Monday, June 22, 2015
Stranger than Non-Fiction: Riding Along with Jesus: Episode 2
Stranger than Non-Fiction: Riding Along with Jesus: Episode 2: Chapter 2: Graven Images All things aside, it was pretty nice having Jesus in the passenger seat of my Peterbilt 379. Sur...
Monday, June 15, 2015
Riding Along with Jesus: Episode 2
Chapter 2: Graven Images
All things aside, it was pretty nice having Jesus in the passenger seat of my Peterbilt 379. Sure he could be a handful at times, but we were making good time on the road from Boulder City to Atlanta and I literally had the Lord by my side to guide me through the tough times and help me out if things went wrong. And wouldn't you know; one of my gas tanks started to act up and Jesus just stepped outside and zapped it right back into working condition.
We covered two states in just about ten hours, riding steady along I-70, and the sun was just about to peak up over the horizon. Jesus hadn't said a word in about an hour and there wasn't a sound except for the motor running and I had a real peaceful feeling in me. A feeling like things were gonna be all right.
Then, just like that, he started in all over again, raising hell over some decal of him on a cross. Though to be honest it was kinda graphic, what with the blood dripping from his wrists and the crown o' thorns and all.
"What the fuck is the matter with people?!" he screamed. The problem is, I didn't know what he was sayin' at first. All I heard was screaming. Hell, I thought he was trying to tell me I was about to run someone off the road or something.
I told him, "Look Jesus, you've gotta cool it, man."
"Well how would you feel?" he started in. "What would you think if everywhere you looked people were flaunting images of your grizzly demise?!"
"I don't suppose I would care too much for that."
"No. I suppose you wouldn't."
"Well you've got to get a hold of yourself, Jesus. I thought you were trying to warn me about something in the road. I almost just about ran us over the side of this mountain!"
Jesus apologized and said it was going to be hard getting used to all the crosses and sad, bloody Jesus faces on bumper-stickers. I tried to tell him they don't know any better. They were just trying to honor the sacrifice he made, is all.
"I don't know how you do things in the twenty-first century," he said, still kinda raising his voice. "But where I come from, people don't like to be reminded of that kind of thing! You don't see portraits of John Kennedy with half his head missing and his brains spilled all over a '61 Lincoln Continental!"
He told me, the reason they put people up on them crosses is so folks could see the looks on their faces as they shat themselves for the last time. He said that's why people weren't s'posed to worship graven images; 'cause ten times out of ten, they'd screw it up.
He said he wandered into a church when he first got here and he damn near threw up when he saw the statue they had at the front of the room. Said they had a life-sized image of him in a loin cloth, feet and hands nailed down and breathing his last.
"Well that ain't nothin' nice," I told him.
"No Delmer! It's not nice! Nothing gets by you, does it, Delmer?" He was about ready to have a conniption fit, so I asked if there was anything I could do to calm him down and he asked if I had any beer in the cab. I told him I didn't figure him for a drinker.
"Delmer," he said. "I turned water into wine. Does that sound like someone who's too good for a drink?" So I gave him a can from a twelve-pack I had stowed away in the back of the cab and I asked him if he could please keep it low 'cause I could lose my license just for having an open container in the vehicle.
All he said was, "This is piss beer, Delmer. Is this all you got?"
"Beggars can't be choosers, Mr. Jesus," I said.
"You speak the truth," he said.
All things aside, it was pretty nice having Jesus in the passenger seat of my Peterbilt 379. Sure he could be a handful at times, but we were making good time on the road from Boulder City to Atlanta and I literally had the Lord by my side to guide me through the tough times and help me out if things went wrong. And wouldn't you know; one of my gas tanks started to act up and Jesus just stepped outside and zapped it right back into working condition.
We covered two states in just about ten hours, riding steady along I-70, and the sun was just about to peak up over the horizon. Jesus hadn't said a word in about an hour and there wasn't a sound except for the motor running and I had a real peaceful feeling in me. A feeling like things were gonna be all right.
Then, just like that, he started in all over again, raising hell over some decal of him on a cross. Though to be honest it was kinda graphic, what with the blood dripping from his wrists and the crown o' thorns and all.
"What the fuck is the matter with people?!" he screamed. The problem is, I didn't know what he was sayin' at first. All I heard was screaming. Hell, I thought he was trying to tell me I was about to run someone off the road or something.
I told him, "Look Jesus, you've gotta cool it, man."
"Well how would you feel?" he started in. "What would you think if everywhere you looked people were flaunting images of your grizzly demise?!"
"I don't suppose I would care too much for that."
"No. I suppose you wouldn't."
"Well you've got to get a hold of yourself, Jesus. I thought you were trying to warn me about something in the road. I almost just about ran us over the side of this mountain!"
Jesus apologized and said it was going to be hard getting used to all the crosses and sad, bloody Jesus faces on bumper-stickers. I tried to tell him they don't know any better. They were just trying to honor the sacrifice he made, is all.
"I don't know how you do things in the twenty-first century," he said, still kinda raising his voice. "But where I come from, people don't like to be reminded of that kind of thing! You don't see portraits of John Kennedy with half his head missing and his brains spilled all over a '61 Lincoln Continental!"
He told me, the reason they put people up on them crosses is so folks could see the looks on their faces as they shat themselves for the last time. He said that's why people weren't s'posed to worship graven images; 'cause ten times out of ten, they'd screw it up.
He said he wandered into a church when he first got here and he damn near threw up when he saw the statue they had at the front of the room. Said they had a life-sized image of him in a loin cloth, feet and hands nailed down and breathing his last.
"Well that ain't nothin' nice," I told him.
"No Delmer! It's not nice! Nothing gets by you, does it, Delmer?" He was about ready to have a conniption fit, so I asked if there was anything I could do to calm him down and he asked if I had any beer in the cab. I told him I didn't figure him for a drinker.
"Delmer," he said. "I turned water into wine. Does that sound like someone who's too good for a drink?" So I gave him a can from a twelve-pack I had stowed away in the back of the cab and I asked him if he could please keep it low 'cause I could lose my license just for having an open container in the vehicle.
All he said was, "This is piss beer, Delmer. Is this all you got?"
"Beggars can't be choosers, Mr. Jesus," I said.
"You speak the truth," he said.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Riding Along with Jesus: Episode 1
Chapter 1: Divine Providence
Now to tell the truth, I found it hard to gauge a first impression on Jesus. He was calm as a Hindu cow at least half the time, but he had an edge to 'im, like anything could set 'im off at any time. At first I thought it was just me. Like maybe there was something about me that rubbed him the wrong way. But he said he liked me and that he wouldn't have jumped in a truck with a guy he didn't like. Still though; he had a funny way o' showin' it.
"Do you think you're special?" he asked me.
"No," I told him, and I couldn't help but feel like he was havin' a go at me.
"No, you don't. You think you're like everybody else?"
"Well what do you suppose everyone else is like?"
"Exactly! That's why I like you, Delmer."
"The name's Cal. I think I told you that."
"You know what Peter's name was?" he asked.
"It wasn't Peter?"
"No. It was Simon. But I didn't like that name, so I called him Peter. Now they don't say, 'Simon's gonna be waiting for you at the Golden Gate,' now do they?
"I s'pose not."
"No. They say, 'Saint Peter at the Golden Gate.' That's got a nice ring to it, don't you agree?"
"I can't say it makes any difference to me."
"Trust me. I've got a knack for this kind of thing. Branding, Delmer. That's what it's all about. How do you wanna go down in history?"
"I don't," I said. "Why would I want to go down in history?"
"Exactly! That's what I like about you, Delmer. You know you're just a guy. You don't think you're going to be famous or a millionaire. Most people out there think they're it."
"It?"
"Don't ruin this special feeling for me, Delmer," he said. "It. You know: chosen, special, or just plain exempt from the rules of reality. Do you know how many people out there think that they're somehow going to escape death? Or how many of them think they were actually born believing in me? I don't even want to get into that stuff. People who think they can be shitty to each other and just shout my name over and over again and that'll make it all better. I specifically said to love your enemy. I specifically said to turn the other cheek. What did I say about casting the first stone?"
"Wasn't it something like, 'Let he who is without sin-"
"I said don't do it!"
"Now calm down, Jesus. It won't do you any good to get all fired up about it."
"I'm sorry. You're right. I've just got a bunch of judgmental pricks out there screwing up my brand. You know what the problem is?"
"No, sir."
"Yes you do. They're stupid, Delmer. People in general are stupid. And you already know that. That's why you're smart. That's why I like you. And that's why I get so pissed when you ask stupid questions."
"I'm not sure I follow." I said.
"It's all right. You don't have to, Delmer."
"The name's Cal."
"No it's not."
Now to tell the truth, I found it hard to gauge a first impression on Jesus. He was calm as a Hindu cow at least half the time, but he had an edge to 'im, like anything could set 'im off at any time. At first I thought it was just me. Like maybe there was something about me that rubbed him the wrong way. But he said he liked me and that he wouldn't have jumped in a truck with a guy he didn't like. Still though; he had a funny way o' showin' it.
"Do you think you're special?" he asked me.
"No," I told him, and I couldn't help but feel like he was havin' a go at me.
"No, you don't. You think you're like everybody else?"
"Well what do you suppose everyone else is like?"
"Exactly! That's why I like you, Delmer."
"The name's Cal. I think I told you that."
"You know what Peter's name was?" he asked.
"It wasn't Peter?"
"No. It was Simon. But I didn't like that name, so I called him Peter. Now they don't say, 'Simon's gonna be waiting for you at the Golden Gate,' now do they?
"I s'pose not."
"No. They say, 'Saint Peter at the Golden Gate.' That's got a nice ring to it, don't you agree?"
"I can't say it makes any difference to me."
"Trust me. I've got a knack for this kind of thing. Branding, Delmer. That's what it's all about. How do you wanna go down in history?"
"I don't," I said. "Why would I want to go down in history?"
"Exactly! That's what I like about you, Delmer. You know you're just a guy. You don't think you're going to be famous or a millionaire. Most people out there think they're it."
"It?"
"Don't ruin this special feeling for me, Delmer," he said. "It. You know: chosen, special, or just plain exempt from the rules of reality. Do you know how many people out there think that they're somehow going to escape death? Or how many of them think they were actually born believing in me? I don't even want to get into that stuff. People who think they can be shitty to each other and just shout my name over and over again and that'll make it all better. I specifically said to love your enemy. I specifically said to turn the other cheek. What did I say about casting the first stone?"
"Wasn't it something like, 'Let he who is without sin-"
"I said don't do it!"
"Now calm down, Jesus. It won't do you any good to get all fired up about it."
"I'm sorry. You're right. I've just got a bunch of judgmental pricks out there screwing up my brand. You know what the problem is?"
"No, sir."
"Yes you do. They're stupid, Delmer. People in general are stupid. And you already know that. That's why you're smart. That's why I like you. And that's why I get so pissed when you ask stupid questions."
"I'm not sure I follow." I said.
"It's all right. You don't have to, Delmer."
"The name's Cal."
"No it's not."
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Riding Along with Jesus: Meeting Jesus-- An Introduction
I met Jesus at a truck stop outside of Boulder City on my way to the east coast. He looked just like any other guy except he had that look on his face like he could see right through my soul. I went right up to him, not knowing who he was, and I asked him,"Hey fella. Do you know somethin' I don't know?"
"That's a stupid question," he said. "Do you know the capital of Maine?"
"No. Not right off the top of my head."
"Well there. I guess I know something you don't."
"That's not what I meant. I-"
"Do you know how to double-clutch?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," I said
"Well I guess you know something I don't know. How do you like that?"
"Hey look," I said. "I'm sorry if I offended you in any way."
He told me I didn't offend him, even though it seemed to me like I struck a nerve. Then he asked me if my mom never taught me to think before I speak. I asked him who the hell he thought he was and he said, "I'm Jesus H. Christ, that's who!" And that just about blew me away. I asked him to prove it and he flat out said no. Then he said he knew what I meant to ask and that the answer was "yes," he knew the mysteries of the cosmos but that it wasn't going to help me none because it wasn't going to teach me how to spend more time with my family instead of burying myself in my work all the time.
I know it sounds stupid but I believed him. They always said when he came back, he'd come like a "thief in the night," and I've harbored a couple of fugitives in my time. That's why it made perfect sense to me when he asked if he could hitch a ride to Buffalo, New York. I told him I'd love to, but I was headed down south to Atlanta to drop off a load of construction material to a contracting firm starting a new project down there. He said, "Yeah, I know. I know where you're going and I know where you're going to end up. So what do ya say? You wanna take on a stowaway? You look like you could use the company."
"I guess I could use the company," I said. "Sure. Why not?" And I've been riding along with Jesus ever since.
"That's a stupid question," he said. "Do you know the capital of Maine?"
"No. Not right off the top of my head."
"Well there. I guess I know something you don't."
"That's not what I meant. I-"
"Do you know how to double-clutch?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," I said
"Well I guess you know something I don't know. How do you like that?"
"Hey look," I said. "I'm sorry if I offended you in any way."
He told me I didn't offend him, even though it seemed to me like I struck a nerve. Then he asked me if my mom never taught me to think before I speak. I asked him who the hell he thought he was and he said, "I'm Jesus H. Christ, that's who!" And that just about blew me away. I asked him to prove it and he flat out said no. Then he said he knew what I meant to ask and that the answer was "yes," he knew the mysteries of the cosmos but that it wasn't going to help me none because it wasn't going to teach me how to spend more time with my family instead of burying myself in my work all the time.
I know it sounds stupid but I believed him. They always said when he came back, he'd come like a "thief in the night," and I've harbored a couple of fugitives in my time. That's why it made perfect sense to me when he asked if he could hitch a ride to Buffalo, New York. I told him I'd love to, but I was headed down south to Atlanta to drop off a load of construction material to a contracting firm starting a new project down there. He said, "Yeah, I know. I know where you're going and I know where you're going to end up. So what do ya say? You wanna take on a stowaway? You look like you could use the company."
"I guess I could use the company," I said. "Sure. Why not?" And I've been riding along with Jesus ever since.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)